“be the change you wish to see in the world…” –Gandhi
This past November, I began training in the Bujinkan. My decision to take up martial arts surprised many around me, although those who have known me best and longest were not surprised.
Through the weeks that have passed since November, my mind has been grappling to define my current struggle in a manner that I could verbalize and share. In early June, I set out to find a word or phrase that could capture the essence of what I was feeling. It was during this search that my shihan recommended I read Duncan Stewart’s blog entitled “Uke”. Shihan Stewart’s thoughts resonated with me, and from his writing I found exactly what I was seeking – the concept of shin gi tai ichi.
Shin gi tai ichi – controlling the mind and body to unify oneself
This is my struggle.
My warrior-self. The part of me that I believe is ME in my purest form. It was apparent through my youth and manifested in the sports I played all year round, through my independence, through my stubborn persistence, and through my quick temper. Loyal and protective of those I love. But it has its flaws – loud and annoying, bossy, selfish, sometimes cruel… living very much in the NOW of the moment.
My lazy-self. Ok, perhaps lazy is being a bit mean. I should probably classify this part of myself as the “gentle” or “quiet” self. The part of me that rose up in college and has been my dominant outward personality for the past 10 years… the girl who is ill and injured and in nearly constant pain. The self who prefers solitude, speaks quietly and is somewhat anti-social, who is always tired and who is very, very afraid. Afraid, mostly, of being useless – of being unable to help anyone she cares about, unable to help herself. Despite all the negatives, this self has some shining redeeming qualities – kindness, compassion, and patience among them.
While there are certainly more aspects to me than the generalized selves above, these two encompass my primary struggle. My decision to be more active and to train in the Bujinkan has reawakened my warrior-self. After its long nap, it’s understandably frustrated by how weak my body has become, and how slowly the process to become stronger progresses. My lazy self is constantly arguing with my warrior-self, advocating I don’t push too hard, I rest more, I slow down… because it’s afraid I’ll repeat my college mistakes and end up seriously ill “round 2”.
Happily, my warrior-self is winning. And with the experience and knowledge that I have gained in the intervening years, I am hopeful that the day is not so terribly far off when my mind, body, heart and soul are unified and I can blend the best parts of the different aspects of myself together. I can leave my temper and retain my patience. I can curb my selfishness and retain my compassion and kindness. I can protect the people around me and use my willpower as a force for positive change.
That is my goal. To be the change I wish to see in the world by first changing and refining myself through control, discipline, training, and practice. Enacting unification of my mind and body, working to understand their connection, so I can extend that connection to unify myself with the world around me.
This is me, now. In pursuit of shin gi tai ichi.
